You get the bandana, the magic wand,

The ancient knowledge healing powder,

The spell book, the aromatic candles,

The bowl, the bell, the mystical card deck,

The ribbon, the seal, the glyph symbols,

The chart maker, the Yagi poster AND

The software package for only 29.95,

Plus shipping and handling, no cod’s,

And that’s not all, there's lots more.

 

You get the deep beauty massage,

The gentle mind jogger, prayer rug,

And brightly colored knee pads,

But if you act now, you’ll receive

A complete course in comparative

Religion, philosophy and customs

In a leather bound 59 volume set

Which includes a linguistic manual of

Over 1000 religious expressions in

150 languages from all over the world.

All this for only twen-ty-nine nine-ty five.

But wait, there’s more…

 

You get the shaman deerskin drum,

The mantra, and doe skin tom sticks

Painted with symbols of the Ainu people.

And now, for a limited time only you get

The annotated desk reference version of

The Tibetan Book of the Dead …PLUS

a book of Egyptian temple utterances,

A set of hieroglyph anagrams and the

Twelve inch Nubian statue for 29.95.

But that’s not all, if you call right now

You get free, the brand new year 2000

Ceremonial node guide to ancient

New age earth sites all over the U.S.A.

Plus a 24” x 30” color coded map of

Indian mounds and sacred mountains.

You get the native designer blanket

The peace pipe and wampum replicas

Ten clay pots and bowls, the flint kit,

The tomahawk and the stone knife, all

For the low, low price of only 29.95,

Can you believe it? Wait, there’s more…

You’ll get the thrill of a lifetime

Exploring every religion, every prayer,

Every ceremony money can buy.

You get the 750mhz, 40 gigabyte computer,

The 21 disk set encyclopedia library

Of religious literature from around the world,

The translations, phonetic guide and booklet,

Plus actual recordings of indigenous people.

Call immediately and receive a money back

Lifetime guarantee should anything

Happen to you or your Instant Karma Kit,

We’ll send you your very own Virgin!

You heard correctly, he or she will be

Your spiritual love guide and bed bunny.

How can you resist this incredible offer?

 

But hold on to your hats, there’s more.

For just twen-ty nine nine-ty five we will

Bring you or your loved one back

From the dead! That’s right, life eternal!

Yes, pick any afterlife, any religion,

Any heritage, lifestyle or legacy, and it’s

Yours, free of charge to treasure always.

You get the gold lame raiment’s, halo

mother of pearl buttons, genuine leather

sandals, hand burnished walking stick,

and a plastic miniature pearly gate for the

dashboard,  and if you call promptly,

we’ll take the hassle out of being holy,

you’ll get a bona fide certificate of

authenticity and guaranteed safe passage

into any heaven you chose to accept.

Carry all your official documents and

Expiation utterance phrase book in a

Handsome monogrammed leather portfolio.

 

Yes, the Instant Karma Kit comes with

Batteries, instruction manual, and stand.

Plus, licensing forms to fill out for local

Bureaucrats and petty officials. Avoid

Trouble spots with your own free GPS

Uplink and cell phone rescue service.

Call now while operators are standing by,

No salesman will come to your door.

Order your Instant Karma Kit for 29.95.

And start your camel journey today.

Did I say camel? Yes, you get a camel.

While supplies last you receive

one desert camel, a week’s supply of fodder

and poop scoop so you can begin

your karmic journey, your choice of deserts

anywhere in the world, you fly there free.

You get the camel blanket, the saddle,

The bridle and the special hump cinch,

Plus a genuine hand embroidered

Ceremonial belt of sacred camel bells,

All absolutely free with your purchase.

 

Act now, and you’ll get a free soul purifying

Smoke bath and handsome gold humidor,

Combination body balm, foot salve and

Unction oil and instruction video with

State of the art sound system, you get

The video, the DVD and the slide show,

Complete with web site, browser and

Up to the minute authoring tools for

Advertising on the world wide web!

But that’s not all, there’s more …

 

Sign up now, for your round trip tickets

To any religious event on the planet.

You get the full color vacation brochure,

The Shroud of Turin beach blanket,

Electrical adaptors for any country,

And a money exchange rate booklet, all

For only 29.95, but wait, wait,

there’s more…  

 

Author’s note:

This is not an irreligious poem or one 
That means to mock or deny any faith. 
In my typical edgy satire I want to say 
That unless you believe, “BUY IT ALL”, 
Give creedance to all belief systems, 
You can have no true faith of your own.

[You’ll get the thrill of a lifetime 
Exploring every religion, every prayer,
Every ceremony money can buy.]

To deny one faith is to deny them all.

©Jimmy Warner Design, 2010